I'm officially done with high school. Thursday is my ceremony. This is the moment in my life ive been waiting for. No more coke heads, no more drama form girls that their lives revlove around making everyhting soo exaggerated. im soo happy, there are a lot i will proly miss but this is the point in time where your gonna be released in the wild and meet new friends and live in a totally completly different world from high school. im sooo happy!!!!
today i went to nicks graduation, im so proud of him for graduating college, i just hope when i go to college i can graduate with good grades and just make it to that level like him.
this has been a good weekend i would have to say. The only thing im kinda sad about is not having a phone (lol) but at the same time ive been actually happy without it cuz i dont have to deal with chris and nick calling me. its soo sad that both are just wasting their lives on doing nothing. chris has made me cry serveral times and i just cant even think about going back to him. ewww. and nick, hes such a good person but hes just consumed by all this pressure to look like the cool guy and just get in trouble with the cops and do drugs. And im dispointed in my self for smoking out with him a few days ago and
'other things". i dont know why i even do things with him. I dont even know why he bothers with me, im not even that pretty. Weve been friends forever and both of us together we just crack up, but i guess personallity really comes over looks. but i dont even think i can handle him anymore or him handling me.
i just want to find someone that can handle me always getting anxiety and just knows how to take care of him, and can take all the laughter i have. haha i laugh at everything. and i know id be a girlfriend. i hate drama soo id limit that unless there are issues that are important. and i listen to ppl and i have this thing where i totally know their pain. i feel it, and i know how to tell them to calm down and i dunno ppl say i have this gift of making ppl feel better. i guess i should be a psych major. haha.
i guess im worried that im gonna end up like my parents. its kinda a curse ive found out. My moms grandma married an italian and they lived happily but when u get to the 40's its like oh, i dont love u anymore, and i guess he was kinda like a bussiness man well he was but everything he was thinking was soo techinical and rational and had a type of attitude like ur here and im up here, and was kinda controlling with his kids, which was my grandma. and my great granda nina was kind of an artsy person, which was like my grandma. my yaya was arsty and was a soprano. she was a beautiful singer who would kill at the opera shows. to know im just like her makes me happy. But she married mmy grandpa Raul, which was a business man working for the mexican oil company and lawyers, and was really verbal abusive with my mom and my uncle. But my yaya is still with my grandpa but only cuz of my mom. My grandma cant stand my grandpa. But my grandpa was very controlling with my mom, and my grandma would let her do things while my grandpa would be at work. then my mom married my dad, they love eachother but now its like on the rocks, i really cant stand the arguing and my dad telling my mom ur here and im up here. My dad is identical to my grandpa, and my great grandpa. my mom is an artsy woman, and every generation its the same, they end up in a mess, and i live the same exact life as my mom, which is scary. My mom was sooo close to her older brother just like axel and i. and ur dads were the same controlling and finisimo type of guys which i hate. My dad has lost it. i dont think i can even think of him as the same dad.
i guess im worrying that this curse is a artsy/imaginative girl is gonna end up with a guy that is very businessy which is fine , but im worried that hes gonna fake it the whole time and tell me that im here and hes up there living his own life. i guess im the one who decides who i marry and stuff but im jsut worried cuz axel and i are living the same exact life as my mom and brother before my uncle died. and thats another thing, cancer runs in my moms family like no other. and my uncle died of lukemia which my mom i dont think has grieved over him properly still, cuz he was the best uncle ever and the best brother to my mom just like axel, but cancer just took over him when i was 5. and it sucks cuz i remember shit when i was 2, and just to think about it makes me sad, but it makes me even more sad, thinking axel and i could have cancer... i dunno. i think way too much which is bad. i guess if we live the same exact lives as my mom and her brother, i hope axel doesnt get cancer or me. not untill im like 70 then thatd be good.
wo0o0o0o0o too much family issues i guess. ive never really been through all this kinda of stuff like parents getting close to divorce or just family issues like my dad trying to make me live a life that is not what i want. and right now im feeling anxiety just thinking about this, and my medicine is out, and i cant get a refill till monday. sooo i dunno. and right now im home alone. soo if i pass out, woops. well not like anybody reads this cuz this is basically kinda like a diary where im allowed to think and just release my emotions. id go to my brother or nick or somehting but its jsut way too much and i dont want them to think of me as this stupid girl with too many problems adn just get tired of it. thats why i bottle everything up. i guess im good at it, thats why if i say i had anxiety to friends or soemthing they think im just like whatever no biggie, but its mostly cuz i make seem like a no big deal cuz i hate be all serious and dramatic, but really i am deep inside. haha wow im crying. aha im listening to the flame by cheap trick. can we say emo? but i love this song. wow this is long, but whatever, again not like anybody reads this.
so i wish i can be a cat, just watching cappuccion outside just lay around and can sleep anywhere he wants sounds soo relaxing. Hes soo cute!
5 more days till i graduate!
<3
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